Friday, March 20, 2009

The Wondrous Escapades of Scotchman Johns

- or - The Saga of Beowulf, Alternate Universe Edition

Did you ever get one of those emails that have clearly been translated by a machine rather than an actual human being?

A Google alert recently notified me of a new post up at LiveJournal, a sort of personal diary version of a blog. Over at duaneharrisonrq a very odd translation of my book tour promo page went up, which seems to have been sent through some sort of time and space translator (and then back again), molding it into some alien language that only vaguely resembles English. It might be how an alternate version of myself in a parallel dimension would write the same passages to say the same thing using different synonyms. To give you an idea, here's an excerpt:
The narrative follows the immature Northman warrior Beowulf as he ships upon a fatal baby retribution against the brute that dispatched his begetter, launching a sequence of events that will convey about the ruin of a commonwealth, all the spell fleeing from the woman he holds curst to love. Based on extended historical research and immersed in Nordic myth and lore, the saga blossoms across the frozen fields of Sverige and the smelly fens of Danmark, running from the bouldered tallnesses of Geatland to the sprawling battlegrounds of ancient France, as our hero combats handses and fiends in a pursuance to subdue his ain frights.
In my biography, I'm dubbed "Roentgen Scotchman Johns, owner of Phantasy Palace Books, a lifelong educatee of ancient and mediaeval literature, with an supporting captivation for Northman mythology and heroic phantasy." This is all the more ironic since these passages were originally written in English, but have clearly passed from that to some other idiom and then back again in garbled form to some semblance of its former self.

This is proof positive that the internet exists in another dimension entirely. It's like I woke up in an episode of Star Trek where the Klingons have defeated the Federation. Only there the Klingons have invented Google Translate.

To read the "Alternate Universe Edition" of the Prologue and promo materials for The Saga of Beowulf, be sure to beam on over to duaneharrisonrq at "livejournal.alt.universe"!